November 7, 2007
Over 5 years!!
I was just taking a look at archive.org -- it has been over 5 years since I have been blogging in some for or other....
Tags: blogs
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September 15, 2006
Bittersweet
Today is Wednesday was a little bittersweet. It was my 20th wedding anniversary. My wife and I are headed towards divorce (and have been separated for over 2 years). We have managed to keep things relatively good. And I think that it is a little more than just doing it for the kids. I think there is an underlying compassion that has not been there for a while. Since the relationship is not going back towards marriage it is transforming into something else.
I hope that we will become better friends since that was the way we started. The last year or so, we have managed to keep it positive. And have been communicating quite a bit. Ironically, we have spoken and e-mailed each other quite a bit this week. Ostensibly because of the kids. The kids started school last week. Though I think there has been a little bit of reflection also. It is kind of funny, we have managed for the most part to have a kind of split kind of relationship. We relate reasonably well, and at the same time do not bring up the legal stuff, and try to (within reason) leave it up to the lawyers. I am hopeful for the future as our relationship grows in a different direction. Onward and upward!
Tags: relationships
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September 11, 2006
Strands of Understanding or Clarity?!?
As is suggested in my Bio, I am a single father of three kids (Grant, Rachel, Paige), two dogs (Scruffy, Sakima) and a kitten (Simba). I live in Napa, California (USA). I have a girlfriend of two years, Svea. This, I suppose, is the beginning of one strand.
Maybe it will be the beginning of getting some clarity or meaning in my life. Maybe it will also help me identify what my faith or spiritual journey is or is going to be. A strong "faith" has not been a major or even minor part of my life. I would say that I am not without questions and desire for something as yet undefined. However, I would say that I am a "spiritual" person, but it is difficult to build a community with others in this area if one cannot easily define themselves in relation or context with others.
I find myself looking for and needing a sense of community, and it does not seem to be popping up in other areas. Work, kids, even external family. Exploring faith is a place where people of different backgrounds can come together and explore and hopefully add meaning in their lives. I see my meaning coming from more than a faith focus. But this seems to be one area that is calling to me.
I am trying to be careful not to talk about religion. While that is an obvious subtext to the above, I have had some mixed experiences relative to organized or institutional religion. I find that adding that view just gives me too many reasons to abort exploration. Having a love of history that includes some of the actions taken in the name of religion is enough to make many people do an about face. At the same time, it is difficult for me to deal with people that have unquestioning faith. Faith for me is about a journey. Someone that blindly walks the path is just as easy to veer from it. Checking for directions seems to me to be a good thing.
As is suggested in my Bio, I am a single father of three kids (Grant, Rachel, Paige), two dogs (Scruffy, Sakima) and a kitten (Simba). I live in Napa, California (USA). I have a girlfriend of two years, Svea. This, I suppose, is the beginning of one strand.
Maybe it will be the beginning of getting some clarity or meaning in my life. Maybe it will also help me identify what my faith or spiritual journey is or is going to be. A strong "faith" has not been a major or even minor part of my life. I would say that I am not without questions and desire for something as yet undefined. However, I would say that I am a "spiritual" person, but it is difficult to build a community with others in this area if one cannot easily define themselves in relation or context with others.
I find myself looking for and needing a sense of community, and it does not seem to be popping up in other areas. Work, kids, even external family. Exploring faith is a place where people of different backgrounds can come together and explore and hopefully add meaning in their lives. I see my meaning coming from more than a faith focus. But this seems to be one area that is calling to me.
I am trying to be careful not to talk about religion. While that is an obvious subtext to the above, I have had some mixed experiences relative to organized or institutional religion. I find that adding that view just gives me too many reasons to abort exploration. Having a love of history that includes some of the actions taken in the name of religion is enough to make many people do an about face. At the same time, it is difficult for me to deal with people that have unquestioning faith. Faith for me is about a journey. Someone that blindly walks the path is just as easy to veer from it. Checking for directions seems to me to be a good thing.
Tags: faith, strands, CSR, critical self reflection, religion, spirituality, meaning
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September 7, 2006
'House' of Meaning
I swear that I usually do not watch that much TV and more importantly, I do not tend to get heavy messages from them. However, I was just watching the season premiere of the TV show, House. The title of this episode was 'Meaning'. I guess the backdrop was how we often get meaning where we want to. Other than being a big part of my professional background (values and meaning), it seems to be a big part of what I am trying to figure out for myself. Many things that I have taken for granted, and assumed that at some level to be a foundation or rock. This foundation, and other stuff is moving -- one might say that it is moving far out of my comfort zone. I find that while a number of my values have stayed the same, that I allowed myself to ignore them. I have gotten to a place where I am not entirely trusting what is important and what is not.
My search for meaning seems to be centered on faith, risk and vision. I have many other values that are part of me, but these seem to be swirling around me at the moment. Belief and philosophy are part of this also. I am not sure where all this is going to land me, but I feel the need to express some of these ideas. I have had many ideas and issues (particularly unresolved ones) on my plate. It is through discernment and striving for some clarity, that I hope to get this. As I said before, I might not be totally making sense, but as I get things out, I hope it will become a little more clear.
Tags: house, fox, philosophy, risk, faith, vision, meaning, belief
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'Bones' and Faith
I would say that in many ways that my approach to faith has been a lot like that of Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brenning on the Fox TV Show, Bones. (Bones is a forensic anthropologist on loan to the FBI for certain cases.) If it is not logical or tangible, then it must not be 'real'. She and her brother were orphaned at a young age (or so they thought). But it turns out they were not, and that her mother's remains are found. And it is likely that they (the parents) were on the run in some fashion. So fast forward a few episodes and (unrelated to the story line) she is brought by one of the other characters (Seely Booth) to the grave site. She is awkward and her clinical nature gets in the way. But ultimately she begins to ask some of the questions to which she wanted the answers.
Without going into my fascination into these types of shows (CSI(s), House, Bones, etc.) I think this almost clinical approach to religion has crept up from past. I am a 'PK' (or preacher's/priest's kid) -- there is some similarity between PKs and Army Brats. (My father's an Episcopal/Anglican priest.) As the generalization goes, usually you either end-up cynical, or religious; wild or quiet, etc. I kind of went the cynical and quiet route. I suppose if this type was actually act out too much they would. It does not allow you to get to sprititual or faith bound for a good part of your life. But as soon as add this idea of spritual there seems to let in the idea iof god some other supreme being. The logic side takes a lot of time debunking all the possibilities. It creates conflict. I think that I am going through this conflict at the moment.
Tags: csi, fox, bones, faith, religious, spiritual
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July 19, 2006
Brownie Hall b. 1990 - d. 6/30/2006
It is a time of sadness for the Hall’s. One of our dogs, Brownie, passed away on June 30. We got him after Buster. He was about a year older than Buster when weadopted him, or rather he adopted us. 16 years is a long time but it does not hurt any less. Heleaves behind Martin, Carol, Grant, Paige, Rachel, Sakima and Scruffy.
We know he is in a better place, his quality of life was declining.He was suffering from a number of ailments including a doggie version of Alheimer's disease and weak and failing back legs. However, he remaiined the 'alpha' dog, or 'leader of the pack', all the way to the end. We were looking for another dog, to keep Buster in line. We thought maybe a cocker spaniel (I had had them growing up). We felt strongly about using a dog rescue. Someone recommended Second Chance Dog Rescue. We were going to go to their adoption day when it next came up. We had been looking at
the pound also. Second Chance was having a little bit of an over crowding problem, so we became 'temporary' foster parents. We will miss him greatly. But we remember him for the undying love he gave us for so many years.
Technorati Tags: dogs, brownie, life, death
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December 1, 2005
Wish I could figure which one of these I was!
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November 30, 2005
The Flu is not just Achoo!
A pandemic's second front - Editorials & Commentary - International Herald Tribune
The possibility of an avian flu pandemic is real. In America, President George W. Bush has sensibly proposed a substantial investment to detect, identify and contain the virus, when and where it begins human-to-human spread.
It is mind-blowing to me -- we have the potential of a major disaster (and I do not mean the Tsunani ro Katrina) that has the potential of spreading death over the world, and no one seems to notice. It is the Avian Flu. I talk to friends and they write it off as a product of the government and drug companies. while the above might not be trustworthy -- we only need to the early part of last century that the flu can do real damage (Spanish Flu). the possiblility of devastation is huge. I am not sure of the answer but people should not be passive in this!
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November 4, 2005
Happy Birthday to me....
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July 1, 2005
Resume
Some people have wanted to know my background. You can look over on the left column :-) Or here: Resume:
html |
PDF
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April 11, 2005
Can you see my house from here?
Here is an interesting tool from Flickr beta & GoogleMaps beta.
Here is my house :-)
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April 9, 2005
Onward and Upward
Our goal was to come together to meet, to see if we might possibly be good friends -- leaving other stuff open; I was just glad to be meeting someone that I already had some much in common. Both being an (I)ntrovert on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator; we both wanted friends. However, online and over the phone we had flirted.
I arrived a little early. And was waiting, a little nervous, after all, whatever the reason -- this was a date. We did not play pool and both had sodas :-) really, I swear. We ended up talking for a couple of hours. For some reason, I had one hell of a time looking her in the eyes. I suppose it could have been anxiousness, the implications of meeting someone, and yes, maybe some guilt. But the feeling for me was like she was looking into my soul. You might say that I was a little self conscious. She kept kind of not letting me off the hook about it. She was good about that. As we left, we talked about meeting again. I shook her hand, and we decided we would. At that point, I began to realize that I was going know her for a long time as a friend. A little over four months from my wife filing for divorce, I was in a relationship to stay.
Next we met at a place for lunch that has tri-tip sandwiches; we had a good time talking. I was getting better at looking at her in the eye. As we finished, we decided to go over to the pool hall and actually played pool this time. For good or for bad, it brought out a competive streak which I had to temper. But it was clear that we liked to do things, and to not hold back (too much).
One of things I began to realize, was that I was different man at 40 than I was in my twenties. It is hard to explain. I realized that I must have friends. This not negotiable. I had some significant breakdowns (will not go into it here at the moment). My wife, showed concern then quickly dropped it (the concern). It was at this point, through a friend (happened to be gay) and my therapist that anyone that would be telling me who my friends could be was not in my best interest. No guys, they might be gay, no women you might be having an affair (I was working at a job where I worked in close quarters with a number of women -- none of which I was involved with.) For that matter, my wife never even visited me at work.
A slight diversion, but might be enlightening, is that friends, counselors (marriage and otherwise) felt we might have switched the "classing" male and female roles. I was the relationship person that needed intimacy with friends and family and particularly a significant other. She was one that worried about details, controlled around money, and did not show much emotion.
It was interesting that one week after she filed it was her 40th birthday. She gets her ears pierced, wearing tighter clothes and jewelry. To be fair, both of us had lost 10-15 pounds due to stress. Clearly she was striking out in a direction, and whether she knew it or not she did not seem to be taking me with her. Like it her or not, she did look good. But it was definitely done for my benefit. 40 can do that to you.
I hate to say it, but the different cloths had been unraveling for a bit. Sitting here, I feel kind of torn, here is a person I was with for half my life, that I loved, and still love in many ways. But for which I know, I cannot be with anymore. and I have moved on from some time ago. When I emotionally let go, that was it. I mourn, but I do not regret.
My new friend invited me to her house for dinner. I told my wife I was going out to dinner with a friend. Which was strictly true, but I was not happy about this white lie. A few months before, I had come to grips with the fact that my father was often not truthful (lying) in order to avoid conflict. I started realizing that I had been doing this. Oh, I could rationalize this away, but I was not telling the truth or at least not the whole truth. So not telling my wife was hurting, I also needed to work on this new friendship.
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Looking Back to Go Forward
It has been over a year since my wife of 17.5 (at the time) years filed for divorce. She claims that it did not mean any thing, that it was to protect her and would help make me change (though it was not clear what she wanted me todo). I beg to differ. We had our ups and downs as most people do. We had many interests, but I guess ultimately we were built from different cloth. It is hard to say for sure, hindsight is 20/20. At some point, I might recount some of the events that led up to this stage in our lives. Let's just say that neither side is perfect. And when I get the nerve up, I might go into it more.
Things had been bad for a few years, having kids (this late -- late thirties) did not help. However, it is easy to think that this is all a waste (so many years of marriage). I sometimes think about this.But then I remember that this is a relationship that produced my children. I have three kids (Grant, and the twins: Rachel and Paige), they are wonderful, and they were produced by my wife and myself (therein lies another issue). We also had some great times. These kids I will always cherish (the good times also that I spent with my wife). For these, I thank my wife (soon to be Ex-). (This is getting harder to wite than I thought, did not think this bring me to tears.) I think this is why we (I) do this, a catharsis, a looking back, in order to move forward.
I am on a plane back from India. Going to and from India, and long flights, has a way of making one thoughtful. Up until shortly after my wife filed, I would not have even imagined that I would not be married (through thick and thin, etc.) Thinking of this as a blip (a serious one), but a blip none the less. I was recounting some of my troubles to a friend and colleague, and I remember her words as clear as the day she said them, "Life's too Short". It did not sink in at first. I am a very relationship driven, emotional person. It hit me, I had not really had intimacy with my wife for more than 2 years. I am not talking about the sex here. She whould would not share anything about her life with me. This lack of sharing really hurt (not realizing it). Even withdrawing from my friends in how it was affecting me. I had some friends that she did not like (they were gay or women, etc.). I needed to take control and make sure that my life was going in a direction that was positive for me.
I needed to get some friends (though later realized I also really needed to reacquaint myself with old friends). I looked online like Yahoo, Tickle, etc). I live in the North Bay in California. I had no friends locally whom I might see on a regular basis. I had a few friends but the were more like acquaintances. Not ones that you would want to be at all share deeply or vulnernable with. I really not had a way to meet people that made sense. I was 40, and pretty lame for someone who cherishes good friends. Since this was not about dating, options seemed very unclear.
I had made been looking around, listing myself online as wanting some good friends, etc. I saw a person online that had done some of the Tickle tests and that on first blush was similar to me. We were talking through e-mail for a bit. And one of us, I do not remember who, connected through Tickle's chat function. We found that was frustrating, and moved to Yahoo IM. I should probably mention at this point, it was a woman. We talked on line for some time -- 3-4 days. We had so much in common that it was scary, both for the coincidence of similarities, and for the potential for a friendship that would be doomed because of too much of seeing the other in them. But it was worth a try.
We spoke once or twice on the phone, and agreed to meet. At a pool hall of all places, we both liked playing pool ;-).
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Going to India
I went to India. A week later than I had planned. Turns out that I needed a visa and I had not bothered to check. It did not even enter my consciousness that I might need a visa. Oops. I left on March 18 rather than March 11. I got the visa on Monday after the 11th. I had not been to India so this was going to be interesting and a bit of an adventure. I am going to Hyderabad. Other than some tourism (as my visa states ;-) ), I am going to meet with Sridhar Reddy of Aadhya. His company is starting to do some programming, etc. for some projects for which I am beginning to be involved. I was seting up the relationship, and to work on specs. I believe in relationship before task, so going to India was important. One of the things that I was struck by, was the incredible hospitality and courtesy that I received everywhere that I went (on the street, stores, restaurants, etc.). My experience at the hotel (Taj Banjara) was just unreal. It seemed that everyone new your name.
There was the poverty that one associates with India, however, in some ways it was not as bad as I thought it might be. But it is still hard to not feel for the people that are in the condition they are in. Sridhar, my host was incredibly gracious and wanted me to have the best expereince that I could. (Another interesting expereince that I had was that people took great pride in their city.) Sridhar and I did well at balancing work and leisure. Not an experience that I always receive on business trips. While it was great to be home, the trip left me with a sense of history and good experiences.
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Buster Hall b. 1991 - d. 3/30/2005
It is a time of sadness for the Hall's. One of our dogs, Buster, passed away. We got him in 1992. He was about one when we adopted him. 14 years is a long time but it does not hurt any less. He leaves behind Martin, Carol, Grant, Paige, Rachel, Brownie and Scruffy. We know he is in a better place, he was in so much pain at the end. Carol, who had never had a dog, decided that it would be good for a dog to be around because my work at the time kept me home much of the time. We started looking in the paper, at the pound, etc. Carol saw a classified for a Boxer-St.Bernard mix. Well, she had to see it. It turns out it was more of a Spaniel-Boxer mix. We fell in love with "Bandit" the dog, not the name. He was christened Buster. It turns out we had seen him at the pound. He had been rescued him from certain death, and wa meant for us. We will miss him greatly. But we remember him for the undying love he gaves us for so many years.
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