Doc Martin's Musings: Random Thoughts Archives

October 17, 2006

In the Beginning...

It seems looking into the past can give us some perspective on the future. I guess I might be writing this more for myself than for others. Anyway, might as well get some of the facts and figures out of the way. Born in London, Ontario, Canada, November 4, 1963 (6 weeks premature) to British parents (dad: English, mom: Welsh). Age: 42 (now, not then). Nearly did not make it, etc.

With parents and younger sister in the Anglican mission field (Father was/is ordained Anglican/Episcopal Priest) in Mexico and Central America until about 4 years old. Came to the US (Los Angeles), moved to Indiana (God only knows why). Lived in Indiana from about 6 years old to 15 years old. Moved quite a bit until I was in my 20s. Moved to Santa Clara while in high school. I have been in SF Bay Area ever since (Santa Clara, San Jose, and then Napa, CA since 2001).

When we moved to Santa Clara, I ended up going to all boy Bellarmine Prep (High School) in San Jose from 10th to 12th grade (1982). I went to Santa Clara University (where my father taught) -- While I was not very thrilled with Bellarmine, both Bellarmine and SCU were outstanding Jesuit schools. While I started at SCU to get a Computer Science degree, I ended up getting a BA in History degree with a lot of computer science courses (1986). After a few years, I ended up going to San Jose State University (1988) for my MS in Cybernetic Systems (1992) (ironically from the Anthropology and Cybernetic Systems department). About 2 years later, I started a Ph.D. at University of Hull in the UK while living in Napa. In retrospect, maybe not the brightest thing I ever did. I defended in November of 1997, and graduated February of 1998 from the University of Lincolnshire and Humberside. Lincoln School of Management for short. My PhD was essentially in Systems Thinking and Human Values.

I got married in September of 1986 (for an update on this, see here). Worked in the tech industry in various roles for a long while (largely until I started on the PhD). Some of the places were: Olivetti ATC, Sun Microsystems, Frame Technology, Verity, Autodesk, IDG (technology writer). I was also starting to do a little OD (organizational development) and that eventually led to me doing the doctorate. My father is an expert in human values, and I worked with him at various times over the years. In 1994, we started Values Technology which has been seriously up and down over the last twelve years (I am not currently working for VT). Since I was technology savvy, and a growing expert in the area of values, I consulted and also steered the technology development. When I was not working on the technology I designed large scale interventions for values-based OD. The last time I left I was considered chief architect (bridging technology and values). I still advise my dad and company. Other than this stuff, I have taught at the post graduate level -- mostly in the area of leadership development.

Systems thinking and values, two areas, that other than history and technology, have fascinated me. I might add document analysis, but that really is an offshoot of the others. Since high school I had been fascinated by the ways in which values and meaning could be pulled from documents. Metaxio is a current attempt to make this more accessible to others.

In 1999 and 2001, my wife and I had a boy and twin girls -- as with most fathers, they are my pride and joy.

Well, that is probably enough for this entry. It sets up the entries to follow ;-). I am hoping there is a point to all of this!

Tags: martin, doc, docmartin, life, values, systems, systems thinking, history, tech, technology

Posted by mlwhall at 8:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 11, 2006

Strands of Understanding or Clarity?!?

As is suggested in my Bio, I am a single father of three kids (Grant, Rachel, Paige), two dogs (Scruffy, Sakima) and a kitten (Simba). I live in Napa, California (USA). I have a girlfriend of two years, Svea. This, I suppose, is the beginning of one strand.

Maybe it will be the beginning of getting some clarity or meaning in my life. Maybe it will also help me identify what my faith or spiritual journey is or is going to be. A strong "faith" has not been a major or even minor part of my life. I would say that I am not without questions and desire for something as yet undefined. However, I would say that I am a "spiritual" person, but it is difficult to build a community with others in this area if one cannot easily define themselves in relation or context with others.

I find myself looking for and needing a sense of community, and it does not seem to be popping up in other areas. Work, kids, even external family. Exploring faith is a place where people of different backgrounds can come together and explore and hopefully add meaning in their lives. I see my meaning coming from more than a faith focus. But this seems to be one area that is calling to me.

I am trying to be careful not to talk about religion. While that is an obvious subtext to the above, I have had some mixed experiences relative to organized or institutional religion. I find that adding that view just gives me too many reasons to abort exploration. Having a love of history that includes some of the actions taken in the name of religion is enough to make many people do an about face. At the same time, it is difficult for me to deal with people that have unquestioning faith. Faith for me is about a journey. Someone that blindly walks the path is just as easy to veer from it. Checking for directions seems to me to be a good thing.

Tags: faith, strands, CSR, critical self reflection, religion, spirituality, meaning

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September 7, 2006

'House' of Meaning

I swear that I usually do not watch that much TV and more importantly, I do not tend to get heavy messages from them. However, I was just watching the season premiere of the TV show, House. The title of this episode was 'Meaning'. I guess the backdrop was how we often get meaning where we want to. Other than being a big part of my professional background (values and meaning), it seems to be a big part of what I am trying to figure out for myself. Many things that I have taken for granted, and assumed that at some level to be a foundation or rock. This foundation, and other stuff is moving -- one might say that it is moving far out of my comfort zone. I find that while a number of my values have stayed the same, that I allowed myself to ignore them. I have gotten to a place where I am not entirely trusting what is important and what is not.

My search for meaning seems to be centered on faith, risk and vision. I have many other values that are part of me, but these seem to be swirling around me at the moment. Belief and philosophy are part of this also. I am not sure where all this is going to land me, but I feel the need to express some of these ideas. I have had many ideas and issues (particularly unresolved ones) on my plate. It is through discernment and striving for some clarity, that I hope to get this. As I said before, I might not be totally making sense, but as I get things out, I hope it will become a little more clear.

Tags: house, fox, philosophy, risk, faith, vision, meaning, belief

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July 19, 2006

Brownie Hall b. 1990 - d. 6/30/2006

Brownie

It is a time of sadness for the Hall’s. One of our dogs, Brownie, passed away on June 30. We got him after Buster. He was about a year older than Buster when weadopted him, or rather he adopted us. 16 years is a long time but it does not hurt any less. Heleaves behind Martin, Carol, Grant, Paige, Rachel, Sakima and Scruffy.

We know he is in a better place, his quality of life was declining.He was suffering from a number of ailments including a doggie version of Alheimer's disease and weak and failing back legs. However, he remaiined the 'alpha' dog, or 'leader of the pack', all the way to the end. We were looking for another dog, to keep Buster in line. We thought maybe a cocker spaniel (I had had them growing up). We felt strongly about using a dog rescue. Someone recommended Second Chance Dog Rescue. We were going to go to their adoption day when it next came up. We had been looking at
the pound also. Second Chance was having a little bit of an over crowding problem, so we became 'temporary' foster parents. We will miss him greatly. But we remember him for the undying love he gave us for so many years.

Technorati Tags: dogs, brownie, life, death

Posted by mlwhall at 11:33 PM | Comments (0)

December 1, 2005

Some Leadership Tips...

FREE Leadership Development Tips from The Leaders Institute

Here is a short list of tips that might help some of you. More management than leadership, but you get the picture.

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Wish I could figure which one of these I was!

Mister Snitch has an interesting take on what is needed for a popular blog. It is a very good analysis. I only wish I knew which one I am...

Technorati Tags : blogs, popular, blogosphere, analysis Powered By Qumana

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November 30, 2005

The Flu is not just Achoo!

A pandemic's second front - Editorials & Commentary - International Herald Tribune

The possibility of an avian flu pandemic is real. In America, President George W. Bush has sensibly proposed a substantial investment to detect, identify and contain the virus, when and where it begins human-to-human spread.

It is mind-blowing to me -- we have the potential of a major disaster (and I do not mean the Tsunani ro Katrina) that has the potential of spreading death over the world, and no one seems to notice. It is the Avian Flu. I talk to friends and they write it off as a product of the government and drug companies. while the above might not be trustworthy -- we only need to the early part of last century that the flu can do real damage (Spanish Flu). the possiblility of devastation is huge. I am not sure of the answer but people should not be passive in this!

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August 12, 2005

Ujiko

I have been trying out this search engine from the guys that did Kartoo. This new one (or one could argue that it morphed) is called Ujiko. I find it great for doing research on a subject (like leadership!) it is clever in the way that it presents information. It is not so much a search engine as an interface. Worth a look.

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April 11, 2005

Can you see my house from here?

Here is an interesting tool from Flickr beta & GoogleMaps beta.

Here is my house :-)

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April 9, 2005

Onward and Upward

Our goal was to come together to meet, to see if we might possibly be good friends -- leaving other stuff open; I was just glad to be meeting someone that I already had some much in common. Both being an (I)ntrovert on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator; we both wanted friends. However, online and over the phone we had flirted.

I arrived a little early. And was waiting, a little nervous, after all, whatever the reason -- this was a date. We did not play pool and both had sodas :-) really, I swear. We ended up talking for a couple of hours. For some reason, I had one hell of a time looking her in the eyes. I suppose it could have been anxiousness, the implications of meeting someone, and yes, maybe some guilt. But the feeling for me was like she was looking into my soul. You might say that I was a little self conscious. She kept kind of not letting me off the hook about it. She was good about that. As we left, we talked about meeting again. I shook her hand, and we decided we would. At that point, I began to realize that I was going know her for a long time as a friend. A little over four months from my wife filing for divorce, I was in a relationship to stay.

Next we met at a place for lunch that has tri-tip sandwiches; we had a good time talking. I was getting better at looking at her in the eye. As we finished, we decided to go over to the pool hall and actually played pool this time. For good or for bad, it brought out a competive streak which I had to temper. But it was clear that we liked to do things, and to not hold back (too much).

One of things I began to realize, was that I was different man at 40 than I was in my twenties. It is hard to explain. I realized that I must have friends. This not negotiable. I had some significant breakdowns (will not go into it here at the moment). My wife, showed concern then quickly dropped it (the concern). It was at this point, through a friend (happened to be gay) and my therapist that anyone that would be telling me who my friends could be was not in my best interest. No guys, they might be gay, no women you might be having an affair (I was working at a job where I worked in close quarters with a number of women -- none of which I was involved with.) For that matter, my wife never even visited me at work.

A slight diversion, but might be enlightening, is that friends, counselors (marriage and otherwise) felt we might have switched the "classing" male and female roles. I was the relationship person that needed intimacy with friends and family and particularly a significant other. She was one that worried about details, controlled around money, and did not show much emotion.

It was interesting that one week after she filed it was her 40th birthday. She gets her ears pierced, wearing tighter clothes and jewelry. To be fair, both of us had lost 10-15 pounds due to stress. Clearly she was striking out in a direction, and whether she knew it or not she did not seem to be taking me with her. Like it her or not, she did look good. But it was definitely done for my benefit. 40 can do that to you.

I hate to say it, but the different cloths had been unraveling for a bit. Sitting here, I feel kind of torn, here is a person I was with for half my life, that I loved, and still love in many ways. But for which I know, I cannot be with anymore. and I have moved on from some time ago. When I emotionally let go, that was it. I mourn, but I do not regret.

My new friend invited me to her house for dinner. I told my wife I was going out to dinner with a friend. Which was strictly true, but I was not happy about this white lie. A few months before, I had come to grips with the fact that my father was often not truthful (lying) in order to avoid conflict. I started realizing that I had been doing this. Oh, I could rationalize this away, but I was not telling the truth or at least not the whole truth. So not telling my wife was hurting, I also needed to work on this new friendship.

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Looking Back to Go Forward

It has been over a year since my wife of 17.5 (at the time) years filed for divorce. She claims that it did not mean any thing, that it was to protect her and would help make me change (though it was not clear what she wanted me todo). I beg to differ. We had our ups and downs as most people do. We had many interests, but I guess ultimately we were built from different cloth. It is hard to say for sure, hindsight is 20/20. At some point, I might recount some of the events that led up to this stage in our lives. Let's just say that neither side is perfect. And when I get the nerve up, I might go into it more.

Things had been bad for a few years, having kids (this late -- late thirties) did not help. However, it is easy to think that this is all a waste (so many years of marriage). I sometimes think about this.But then I remember that this is a relationship that produced my children. I have three kids (Grant, and the twins: Rachel and Paige), they are wonderful, and they were produced by my wife and myself (therein lies another issue). We also had some great times. These kids I will always cherish (the good times also that I spent with my wife). For these, I thank my wife (soon to be Ex-). (This is getting harder to wite than I thought, did not think this bring me to tears.) I think this is why we (I) do this, a catharsis, a looking back, in order to move forward.

I am on a plane back from India. Going to and from India, and long flights, has a way of making one thoughtful. Up until shortly after my wife filed, I would not have even imagined that I would not be married (through thick and thin, etc.) Thinking of this as a blip (a serious one), but a blip none the less. I was recounting some of my troubles to a friend and colleague, and I remember her words as clear as the day she said them, "Life's too Short". It did not sink in at first. I am a very relationship driven, emotional person. It hit me, I had not really had intimacy with my wife for more than 2 years. I am not talking about the sex here. She whould would not share anything about her life with me. This lack of sharing really hurt (not realizing it). Even withdrawing from my friends in how it was affecting me. I had some friends that she did not like (they were gay or women, etc.). I needed to take control and make sure that my life was going in a direction that was positive for me.

I needed to get some friends (though later realized I also really needed to reacquaint myself with old friends). I looked online like Yahoo, Tickle, etc). I live in the North Bay in California. I had no friends locally whom I might see on a regular basis. I had a few friends but the were more like acquaintances. Not ones that you would want to be at all share deeply or vulnernable with. I really not had a way to meet people that made sense. I was 40, and pretty lame for someone who cherishes good friends. Since this was not about dating, options seemed very unclear.

I had made been looking around, listing myself online as wanting some good friends, etc. I saw a person online that had done some of the Tickle tests and that on first blush was similar to me. We were talking through e-mail for a bit. And one of us, I do not remember who, connected through Tickle's chat function. We found that was frustrating, and moved to Yahoo IM. I should probably mention at this point, it was a woman. We talked on line for some time -- 3-4 days. We had so much in common that it was scary, both for the coincidence of similarities, and for the potential for a friendship that would be doomed because of too much of seeing the other in them. But it was worth a try.

We spoke once or twice on the phone, and agreed to meet. At a pool hall of all places, we both liked playing pool ;-).

Doc Martin's Musings

Minessence is about Mining the Essence. Stripping away the complications for better understanding. Blah, blah, blah. Commenting on the world at large...