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April 9, 2005

Looking Back to Go Forward

It has been over a year since my wife of 17.5 (at the time) years filed for divorce. She claims that it did not mean any thing, that it was to protect her and would help make me change (though it was not clear what she wanted me todo). I beg to differ. We had our ups and downs as most people do. We had many interests, but I guess ultimately we were built from different cloth. It is hard to say for sure, hindsight is 20/20. At some point, I might recount some of the events that led up to this stage in our lives. Let's just say that neither side is perfect. And when I get the nerve up, I might go into it more.

Things had been bad for a few years, having kids (this late -- late thirties) did not help. However, it is easy to think that this is all a waste (so many years of marriage). I sometimes think about this.But then I remember that this is a relationship that produced my children. I have three kids (Grant, and the twins: Rachel and Paige), they are wonderful, and they were produced by my wife and myself (therein lies another issue). We also had some great times. These kids I will always cherish (the good times also that I spent with my wife). For these, I thank my wife (soon to be Ex-). (This is getting harder to wite than I thought, did not think this bring me to tears.) I think this is why we (I) do this, a catharsis, a looking back, in order to move forward.

I am on a plane back from India. Going to and from India, and long flights, has a way of making one thoughtful. Up until shortly after my wife filed, I would not have even imagined that I would not be married (through thick and thin, etc.) Thinking of this as a blip (a serious one), but a blip none the less. I was recounting some of my troubles to a friend and colleague, and I remember her words as clear as the day she said them, "Life's too Short". It did not sink in at first. I am a very relationship driven, emotional person. It hit me, I had not really had intimacy with my wife for more than 2 years. I am not talking about the sex here. She whould would not share anything about her life with me. This lack of sharing really hurt (not realizing it). Even withdrawing from my friends in how it was affecting me. I had some friends that she did not like (they were gay or women, etc.). I needed to take control and make sure that my life was going in a direction that was positive for me.

I needed to get some friends (though later realized I also really needed to reacquaint myself with old friends). I looked online like Yahoo, Tickle, etc). I live in the North Bay in California. I had no friends locally whom I might see on a regular basis. I had a few friends but the were more like acquaintances. Not ones that you would want to be at all share deeply or vulnernable with. I really not had a way to meet people that made sense. I was 40, and pretty lame for someone who cherishes good friends. Since this was not about dating, options seemed very unclear.

I had made been looking around, listing myself online as wanting some good friends, etc. I saw a person online that had done some of the Tickle tests and that on first blush was similar to me. We were talking through e-mail for a bit. And one of us, I do not remember who, connected through Tickle's chat function. We found that was frustrating, and moved to Yahoo IM. I should probably mention at this point, it was a woman. We talked on line for some time -- 3-4 days. We had so much in common that it was scary, both for the coincidence of similarities, and for the potential for a friendship that would be doomed because of too much of seeing the other in them. But it was worth a try.

We spoke once or twice on the phone, and agreed to meet. At a pool hall of all places, we both liked playing pool ;-).

Posted by mlwhall at April 9, 2005 9:31 AM

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